Frau Farbissene

May 1, 2017 by M. Marmer Verhoeff

What is a farbissene? Imagine the face of someone who has just sucked on a very sour lemon. Now, take that imaginary face and allow a hateful tone about any given subject, to come out of that person’s mouth. The entire time they are speaking, they will continue to appear absolutely disgusted with you or another, or an event, or goodness knows what. That, is the best possible description of a farbissene. Farbissene is just one of those words, hard to translate but completely understood when you see it in action.

I was recently confronted by Frau Farbissene. She attended a Book Review (of sorts) that I was asked to give. I put ‘of sorts’ into parentheses because I was asked to equate my book with some real life issues that we are facing with certain communities. My one and only mistake, which I have already learned from, is equating my work of fiction with anything that is real. All future book reviews I do will simply be about my books. Fiction is fiction. Real life, is something else, entirely.

Imagine trying to speak in front of a room full of people and the entire time, in your line of vision, you see the puckered face of the farbissene. You see her leaning over to whisper in her neighbors ear. You can read the body language perfectly. For some reason, she is completely disgusted with you and your entire presentation. You are aware that she is not paying attention to all the good coming out of your mouth. She only hears the mortifying things she believes you represent.

It is extremely difficult to carry on with your friendly tone but you manage. You bump up your efforts of trying to relate to everyone at the review, all the while, wondering as you look at her…what did I ever do to this person that she is so disgusted with me?

Eventually, the woman raised her hand and I had no choice but to call on her. I couldn’t very well state something like: “My gut instinct tells me you’re about to totally devour me with your words and so, I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”

I was subjected to an angry tirade, accusing me of libeling every single Hasidic individual on the planet. I was then lectured about all the good work that Hasids do. By some great miracle, I kept my calm. I pointed out to this woman that if she were listening earlier on, she would have heard me mention that there is good and bad in all groups. That I am well aware of the good that different Hasidic people do. I reminded her that my book is a work of fiction. Made up. Make believe. That in order to make the story work, my character had to be unhappy with his Hasidic life. Most important, I pointed out that if she had read the story (I doubt she did), she would have noted that I went to great lengths to be very vague about exactly which sect my character came from.

What I didn’t bother to say was that when I was writing, I was very troubled about being sure not to insult any particular group. How I tried my best to keep information about my character’s upbringing vague enough that no one would be able to conclude what group he hailed from. I did so because in fact, I am well aware of many kind, good souls that are Hasidic. Hasids who treat me respectfully as a fellow Jew. My story was simply about the character’s experience as it related to the community he grew up in. I did let her know that I was asked to relate the book to real life issues…that, that, was what I was asked to do. Once again, lesson well learned for me and I share it with you…never ever agree to equate your fiction work with real life. If someone asks you to, remind them you are dealing with fiction.

I doubt very much that she absorbed anything I said that afternoon. Her conclusions were reached and that was all that mattered. Towards the end of the program and for her sake, I summed up by stating that it was my hope that all Jewish groups moved forward together; that we learn from each other, respect each other, and work together. I actually paused because once again she was busy whispering to the woman next to her, not paying attention to my comments at all. I actually called her out about her behavior that time… about her lack of attention…asking her to listen to what I said.

She did, but I saw that it had no impact. For the rest of my days and if I ever see her again, she is now convinced that I am anti-Hasidic. I am sure she will tell others what a travesty the book review was. That the author is anti-Hasidic and allowed comments to be made that proved it.

A farbissene will never have a kind approach. It could have been a very different interaction if she would have expressed her concern in a calm, quiet way and with a kind tone. We could have addressed her concern in turn, and come to better conclusions, together. This farbissene (I was told by many who attended), has done this before and will likely do it again at other events. I guess it is hard to undo a farbissene nature.

The world would be so much nicer without the bull in a china shop approach to issues. It’s not that this woman isn’t entitled to her opinion. She absolutely is! And, I can even respect it! It’s that there is a right way and a wrong way to express one self. Kindness begets kindness. To confront someone with “You should be ashamed…” immediately sets off a wave of nonproductive interaction. Even when we are upset or perturbed with another person, we should approach our concerns from the kind place in our hearts. From the place of mutual understanding. Big sigh here…if only everyone, would.